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My very unfinished fantasy story...  (Read 988 times)

Posted on 21 Nov 2013, 19:08:55
Kichijoten was awarded 1 point/s for this post
 Heaven and Earth (no this is not the definite title, but the story needs to have one for now).

The fresh forest air circled the flowerbed on which a young elf was napping in the afternoon sun. With a smile on her lovely face she floated in the realm of dreams.
Suddenly a cloud appeared in the clear sky, the girl didn’t seem to notice. She startled when a few miles away something fell down with a loud thud. Not immediately knowing what to do, she stood up and hesitated for a second, then she decided to draw her dagger. She approached the thicket from where the strange noise had come from with caution. Her hand was shaking; she hated this, going out scouting and possibly encounter a fight, especially the latter. Yet she had to; maybe an enemy wanted to surprise the city, then she could still warn them in time.
Now she was close enough to hear that cries of pain rose from the bush. One of her corners of her mouth lifted as she could also hear curses among the jabber in a strange dialect. She froze up when all of a sudden the branches rustled heavily and something jumped out of the green leaves. However, what it was she didn’t discover because she had dropped the dagger and shut her eyes in fear. When nothing happened, she opened them and saw a jumble of feathers and naked skin writhe in agony at her feet.
“What in heaven’s name are you standing there for? Can’t you…can’t you help me?!”
“Err…who are you and what business do you have here?” hesitated the elf.
The creature sighed, “I’m a near dead angel who, during her first flying lesson, made acquaintance with the face of the earth.”
There was a silence, then the angel crawled on her feet and sighed once more, this time clearly out of pain.
“I think my right wing is broken”
As she saw the naked wondrous being, the elf blushed and covered her eyes with her hands.
The elven community considered the female naked body as holy and only meant for the eyes of initiates and husbands.
“Hm, unhelpful and shy…” the angel pondered for a while “what creature might you be then?”
“I am Undiriel, daughter of king Tigil, lord of the elven realm.” mumbled the elf.
“That’s all very well Undiriel, my name is Zaphyra.” While saying this she walked towards the girl and pulled her hands away from her face, looked at her thoroughly “And I’d like to get up there again but for that my wing needs to heal. Would you please help me?”
Now Zaphyra held Undiriel’s head in her hands.
Blinded by the clear blue eyes, the elf stuttered “Oh…I’d love to help you but…aren’t you cold?”
“Oh that” the angel let go of her head and looked down “well I have to admit it’s chillier here than in heaven, especially the wind is surprisingly cold. Look!” she pointed at her nipples.
This made Undiriel even more shy and her pink cheeks turned to red once more. She stared at the ground and coughed “you can’t go with me like that.”
“Oh yes, maybe you can lend me a cape or something, I forgot to take my wardrobe with me when falling down.” grinned Zaphyra.
While looking over Undiriel’s shoulder, the angel discovered the place where the elf had been sleeping along with her equipment, including a cape.
“That one maybe, that’s a pretty cape” she pointed.
However, she didn’t know that the cape was a gift from Tigil.
“Stop!” cried the elf when she saw Zaphyra picking up the cape. Her behaviour made the elven girl mad. How did she dare even touch such a precious gift!
“I might seem unhelpful and shy to you but you certainly are the most ill-mannered angel I’ve ever seen!”
“And how many of us have you already met princess?” laughed the blue-eyed girl, ignoring the warning. She turned around and wrapped the cape round her body.
“Well ok, you’re the first” snapped the elf and added whispering “…and hopefully the last.”
The elf seemed to give in for now, but she didn’t think of leaving it at that.
“I heard that last part too you know! Ill-mannered or not, I don’t feel like freezing in this chilly woodland of yours. By the way, you also have a way with words princess.” chuckled Zaphyra.
Undiriel let out a sigh “since you’re staying here for a while, I have to inform my father, he decides what happens with you. Come, follow me, the palace is this way…”
“Hold on, not so fast, I can’t just trust you like that, I don’t even know you” protested Zaphyra.
“Knowing my father, you will have lots of time to get to know me. He doesn’t like angels that much, so he will let me take care of you because I’m the one who found you…”
“Oh, how lovely, are you telling me that I have to listen to your moaning every day? I’d rather go my own way then. Well, bye and take care.” Zaphyra started walking and disappeared in the thicket. Surprised, the elven princess stared at the place the angel had stood before. Then she shouted “Be careful not to get lost, the forest creatures aren’t all as kind-hearted as me!”
The feathered girl stopped, shrugged and returned.
“Well if I’m stuck in this forest I’ll need a guide. As I can see no other elf, I’ll have to put up with you.” Her stomach rumbled loudly.
“What do elves have for lunch? I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”
“Berries, nuts, mushrooms, everything the forest offers us.”
Zaphyra made a wry face.
“You’re not going to tell me that they only eat rice with golden spoons in heaven?” grinned Undiriel.
“That’s a fairytale that has been going around for centuries” stated the angel. “We have a more varied kitchen than you”
“Unfortunately you’re not able to raid it and will have to live on the gifts of nature” roared the green-eyed elf.
Zaphyra turned red and said loudly “yes, laugh all you want, you’re lucky my wing is broken otherwise you would be a lot less pretentious princess!”
“Hah, are we threatening? Elves don’t like fights and dislike threats completely. Can’t we just get along? I don’t feel like quarrelling with you every day you know” Undiriel reasoned.
“Me neither, I agree with you” The angel kissed her new friend’s cheek lightly. The elf was so surprised she almost fell down.
“Aren’t friends allowed to kiss here?”
Zaphyra wanted to try again but the princess pulled back.
“Err, I don’t think it’s appropriate” she admitted.
For an instance the angel blushed, but she soon adopted her brutal attitude again, hiding her shyness.
“Ok, guess not then. Where are those forest fruits? In a moment I’m going to faint.” she uttered a bit irritated.
Undiriel disappeared from view and came back a few minutes later with a big leaf filled with berries and nuts.
“That’s very kind of you, I’d like to thank you but since I’m not allowed to kiss you I wouldn’t know how” teased Zaphyra.
“Not at all, do all angels get as intimate as you?” The elf got silent when she noticed the angry eyes of her feathered friend.
“We show our feelings, because they are difficult to describe in words. Maybe it’s just wrong of me to think everyone appreciates it. I meant it well you know” mumbled Zaphyra.
“Mm, elves don’t really need those things. That’s why we’re often considered as cold fish, but that’s not true!”
The elf watched how the other girl was stuffing food in her mouth. When she had finished, she laughed “blub blub, well fish or not, I want to meet that father of yours now.”
Zaphyra looked expecting at Undiriel.
“Ok, follow me, the palace lies in the heart of the forest. Watch your step, there is a lot of vermin hiding in here” warned the princess.
“Oh, what a lovely thought…I’m not fond of little creatures you know” shivered Zaphyra.
Their journey left Zaphyra both amazed and surprised about all the beautiful and strange things they saw along the way. Sometimes Undiriel said what they were, sometimes she remained silent.
The angel didn’t know where to look first, everything looked so different from the surface. Lying on her soft cloud in heaven, small objects like insects, plants and flowers were not visible up there. Even talking creatures were hard to distinguish; she couldn’t tell the difference between an elf, dwarf or troll, in fact the blue-eyed girl didn’t even know they existed until then.
The elf guided her and pushed branches back very carefully. It seemed as if she didn’t want to damage the green environment. One time she let go of a branch too early so that it swept Zaphyra’s cape away and lashed against her damaged wing.
“Ouch!” she shouted while wincing with pain.
Until then it hadn’t bothered her so much, she had folded her wing under the cape. But now the pain woke her from the entrancing surroundings.
“Sorry! Are you hurt?” asked Undiriel worried as she tried to help her friend.
“No, leave it, you would only make it worse” snapped the angel. She turned, stroke her wing, folded it and pulled the cape back in place. When she looked up, she saw the indignant look on the princess’ face.
“Err…sorry. I suffer from a bad morning mood at the weirdest moments. She tried to smile. “That’s what my brother always saying.”
“Teehee” sniffled Undiriel.
Zaphyra couldn’t help it, she kept staring at the beautiful creature before her. She was so sweet when she smiled. The dimples in her cheek, her bright green eyes, hair falling before them because she slightly shook her shoulders and the cute pointed ears. The angel hadn’t noticed them before; Undiriel’s brown hair had hidden them from sight.
The elf had already stopped chuckling when she noticed the staring look of the girl. However, this time she didn’t get angry nor turned away; she looked back for a brief moment before saying “Come, let’s go, we have to reach the city before nightfall.”
And so the two friends continued their way.
The city was not like Zaphyra had imagined it. All those colours, sounds and bustle…but most of all the elves. She was fascinated; all of them were very slender and had brown hair. Their eyes – tones varying from pale brown to almost pitch black, some with a touch of green – looked curiously yet suspicious at the passing pair, in particular Zaphyra. She was blonde; her hair shone like gold in the sun, her skin was so pale and fragile as porcelain. But the most intriguing were her eyes. They were light blue; this colour never occurred in elves’ eyes.
They stared as the friends passed by – children stopped playing, horse drivers restrained their horses, elves glared out of windows. But as soon as they were out of sight, the people resumed their daily routine as if nothing special happened. Also, because the princess accompanied the strange creature, most seemed to accept the angel’s presence.
Undiriel’s community lived in tree houses decorated with bright flowers and plants. Every door had its own sign; Zaphyra noticed a lucky clover on one, a butterfly on another and a daisy on a third.
“What are all those signs on the doors?” she asked interested.
“Those are family crests, every home and the family living in it is recognized by them. There is also a hierarchy, normal families have crests representing plants or insects, merchant ones show little mammals like a rabbit or weasel and noblemen have crests with large animals or predators on them. The royal one is the unicorn. Those animals and plants are also the personal house god of the family, a sort of…guardian angel” explained Undiriel smiling and secretly looking at Zaphyra.
The angel didn’t seem to notice, or she pretended not to, so the princess continued “Pay attention as we move into the city. The more we approach the centre, the richer families get.”
Zaphyra thought she heard sarcasm in the elf’s voice but decided to let it pass. The feathered girl didn’t feel like quarrelling, she was happy she would meet new people. Heaven had become white and boring to her.
“So the farmers and craftsmen live on the outskirts and in the middle of the city is the palace?”
“Right!” smiled Undiriel, relieved that her friend wasn’t mad. “But we call it the Alda which is Elvish for tree.” If you watch closely you can see the highest tower from here.” She stopped and pointed “There!”
“Indeed” said Zaphyra, following the elf’s finger.
After walking a bit further, the two arrived at the royal garden where Alda’s towers had their origin. A gravel path with at regular intervals an elven guard led the girls towards the entrance gate of the building that was still mostly hidden between the leaves of trees in the park.
The palace resembled a giant tree. The small ground floor with round windows supported a broader second floor which carried an immense jade dome. When they approached, the angel noticed the huge oak wood double doors, which were guarded by two elves in a red uniform.
“Ho there Undiriel” barked the left one “What in Tree’s name have you brought with you now?”
“Miathon, did you get out of bed on the wrong side again?” mocked the elf. “Be more polite towards my friend.”
“Hm, I don’t know if your father would like to have an angel in his palace” said the other guard thoughtful.
“We will know soon enough Rathon” grinned Undiriel. She had known him for her whole life; he was famous because of his wisdom and had seen many things in his life. Therefore he could tell Zaphyra was an angel. “And would you please move out of the way now?”
“As you wish, but keep in mind that king Tigil isn’t in a good mood today…” warned Rathon.
“Come Zaphyra, don’t let those two bother you, they are fine guards but incredibly grumpy” said the princess while Miathon’s eyes shifted from Zaphyra to Rathon when the last had said ‘angel’.
“I doubt if my presence is appreciated here” hesitated Zaphyra.
“Oh, my father isn’t that bad you know, I will look after you” winked Undiriel.
Zaphyra followed the princess, who led her to a room on the top floor.
“I decorated this room myself, pretty isn’t it?” smiled Undiriel.
The angel looked around; she saw shelves filled with books, a gigantic wardrobe, a green table with matching chairs and a four-poster bed with light blue sheets. On the walls there were drawings and paintings of forests, animals and strange looking plants, the ceiling was painted with stars surrounding a beautiful elven lady.
“Who is that?” pointed Zaphyra.
“Well…that’s my mother, I’ve tried to paint her how I remember her..” the elf stared blankly out of the window. “She…died five years ago.”
“I’m so sorry…” whispered her friend.
“It’s ok, but I’m afraid I will be next” the green-eyed girl softly said.
“How come?”
“That is a long story, but maybe it’s better if I tell you…” They sat down on the bed.
“It all started with the migration. At the beginning elves, humans, dwarves, gnomes and trolls were living peacefully together. But differences of opinion, lack of space and a series of other causes drove them apart, though that happened peacefully. Before the races moved to other areas, a wizard split a diamond in five equal parts: the Stones of Peace. They existed to protect the populations against evil and to bring them back together in times of need. The trolls and gnomes left, each with a Stone, to the mountains of the North. The humans went to the lesser forested areas in the East. The dwarves built caves in the West and we, the elves, stayed here in the woods of…ZAPHYRA!”
The angel had dozed off. She jumped up “Oops, sorry, I will stay awake now, please continue” she blushed.
“Where was I…oh yes, we stayed here in the South. Five years ago, Brollachan the warlock visited all nations and asked them to give him the Stones of Peace. Four of them parted with theirs, without even asking why. My father, however, was very suspicious and asked for the reason. Brollachan didn’t answer right away, but after a while he said that the people were safe and there was no need for the Stones anymore. Father felt the hostility hidden in the warlock’s voice and ordered him to leave. The king and I left to warn the leaders of the other nations and to gain information about Brollachan so we could defend ourselves in a possible fight. While we were away, he came back together with a small bandit army of gnomes and trolls. They immediately cleared the way to the palace and killed anyone trying to stop them. The warlock must have felt the presence of the Stone because he found it pretty soon. My mother was wearing it as necklace. Brollachan killed her and my brother turned up in a rage and pierced his heart with a sword. We believed he was dead…until now.”
Zaphyra was speechless, but just as she found some comforting words the elf uttered "Oh dear, I totally forgot about your injured wing. Please wait here, I will get the royal healer right away." She was up and out of the door before the blue eyed girl could reply.
The princess returned some time later with a grey haired elf at her side. The angel looked at him for a long while. He seemed to be as ancient as the trees in the forest, but the energy coming from his pale green eyes was surprising. He wore a dark blue cape, black silk-like pants and a white woven shirt. The most peculiar feature for Zaphyra were the red markings on his face. She could not quite grasp the meaning of those.
"Here she is master Ansrae, now you can see her with your own eyes" Undiriel pointed.
to be continued... (one day)

retired from RO2 - Playing FF XIV!

Posted on 21 Nov 2013, 19:33:59
Holy crap Kichi :love:

Please carry on :)

RAWR guildmaster since 2004
Currently playing: RO2 - channel 5

Posted on 21 Nov 2013, 20:58:49
Hmm, I like the way you redact the story, the words selected are pretty nice and good match sounding, like the "Making acquaintance with the face of the earth", I liked that one XD.

Making use of some classic fantasy creatures to mix them up in the story along with some elements I've seen here and there but always good to see, like the family emblems or the crystals.

However I can't help to feel you might be rushing the development a bit too much O___o;;
I don't like playing the bad judgmental guy, but some corners of the story feels like flying by quite fast to the point they have an odd fitting look.

For example, what was the princess doing so far away from the kingdom? Well that was minor and all, but the angel did smack kiss the ground didn't she? How was she able to walk around so freely and happily? How could the elven girl react to the angel's nakedness and not to her injuries to the point of never really paying attention to them until late in the text? Also there were some wild changes in the mood and way the characters reacted to each other's comments and actions (like the case with the robe).

Overall is a young story so not much to say about it. But there is also a ton of room for extensions, like the angel's first encounter with the trolls and dwarves... (altho, weren't they living far away?)

Maybe Im being too picky :V

However I sure hope you to continue writting to develop your skills!!
Nick -> Lein
Leinzan -> Average Rogue!
Aiot -> Monkey Assassin!
Citlalicue -> Cursing Crescentia of the Vengenful Stigma!
Arkenne -> Squishy Tanky Monk

Posted on 22 Nov 2013, 09:56:50
I agree with you Lein, I've been too hasty at times, maybe because I wrote this over a period of yeaaaaaaaars...

But I don't know if I'll ever manage to finish it >.>

retired from RO2 - Playing FF XIV!


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